I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
