oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Where is the hickey?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
