Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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