2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
