Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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