in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I would fuck him just for his dog
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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