Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
