Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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