1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
