I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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