Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
