look no pants
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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