Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
