I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
