Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
