On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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