My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
