Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
