a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
