Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
