I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
