The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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