So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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