Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
