I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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