he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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