im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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