Even the bartender felt bad for me
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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