And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
