I love black thongs
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
