How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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