forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
