I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
