The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
