fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
