I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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