I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
