I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Randomize
