Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
