hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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