We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
