I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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