Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
