I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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