all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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