He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
