Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize