none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
