wrigley field is MILF paradise
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just took my morning after pill in the library
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize