maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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