My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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