I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
