I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize