I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
