I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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