she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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