go do what you do best...puke behind churches
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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