oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
