I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
